Like a goddamn toothpick...

...that's how easy I snapped. Caved. Crumbled. It was disgusting. Years of rigid defense crafted of iron-tongued arguments and witful snobbery, dashed like the courage of an Aquilonian slave under the might of Cimmerian steel. Here's how it went down.

Since the inception of Everquest I have been an outspoken mud slinger of the MMORPG. I've seen co-workers fall into the dreaded tar pits of warm, monitor screen glow, forever gone and waving the banner of loot and rare drops. I've lost friends at the unrelenting hands of coordinated raids and group quests, eyes crusted the next day after 11 hour sessions acrosss the plains of Azeroth. I've always loved games, and always made time to give them the dedication they deserve in my life, but the time-sink that is the MMORPG has been an intimidating precipice that I have steered clear of since the start.

My big gripe with them, and always a delicious trump card when arguing my point for not playing them, is the monthly fees associated with the game. I always figured if I paid for the system (PC), and paid for the game disc, I should be able to play as much as I fucking want to. Adding a monthly internet service fee on top of the regular internet service I'm already paying for is insulting. That's just too much money to play one game when there are so many others out there, not to mention other humans to interact with, beers to drink, kitties to pet, and so on. I look at it with the diamond cut logic of the "nine to fiver" condescendingly watching the crack addict dig through the gutters for apple cores from the comfort of my SUV. From this lofty vantage point, the choice to try crack-cocaine and see what all the fuss is about is clearly unwise. But once you're in the shit, sudddenly the gutter isn't that big of a deal when there's delectable crack spoils to be had. Make sense?

The other prime motivational means of avoidance has been the fact that I am well aware of my own weakness and susceptability to the gravitational force of the RPG. I know with grim certainty that if I were to indulge in the MMORPG, my fall from grace would be swift, violent, and decisive, leaving me a 300 pound, unwashed, patchy-bearded poster child for unhealth. I loved the Warcraft games, and I consider it a monumental personal feat of will power that I never so much as asked a friend to try a game of WoW on their account. I knew the consequences would be dire, and rather than flirt with the succubus I shut my eyes and ran the other way.

And then I heard about Age of Conan. The visceral and immensely detailed MMORPG based on the world Robert E. Howard crafted over decades of masterful authorship, seemingly just for guys like me who could use a little more blood and beheading with our Tolkien, and a little less poetry and song with our marauding warriors. I avoided the previews and screen shots in the following months like a recently recovered alcoholic avoids bars and nightlife. I ignored the guild planning and class plotting "water cooler talk" taking place during breaks at work, hoping I could possibly enjoy the fruits vicariously as a fly on the wall from the back row.
And then the fateful day arrived... I arrive to work and as I pass my co-workers' office I happen to look in and see a big red box with a shimmering golden lion head on the front, AGE OF CONAN: Hyborian Adventures proudly declaring the contents nestled within the special edition limited release. I had to peek. They were abuzz. The install was already under way. I drooled over the packaging, the map of Hyboria included, the art work. We talked, I chided, they rallied, trying to get me on board their slave vessel. I balked, left, and fought back the tears. Pondered, doubted, wrestled with years of logic I had defended like a goddamn citadel, and then made the last mistake before my epic tumble into the forrays of MMORPG... I returned to their office and watched character creation.

Now for normal RPG nerds the character creation in AOC is already top notch. The level of customization available to the player is a fucking bouquet of scars, wrinkles, skin tones, markings, hair cuts, and facial features. I was already 60% sold, but when I saw the available geographical selection where one could opt between Cimmerian, Aquilonian, or Stygian, and that selection would then offer an entirely new original pallet of selections with which to customize your character's look (based on the region they're from!) I swooned. The developers had done their research, and they knew that if I had an unnatural obsession with how inhumanly bad ass the sect of Set followers were, and that if I so desired I could create my own follower of Set with the unique features and cultural genetic traits of generations of Stygian blood, I could do so. With relish. It was a glimpse into an interactive experience within one of my all time favorite fantasy worlds. The damage was done, and I caved like a diabetic in Baskin Robins. Twenty minutes later I had procurred the disc, signed up with Funcom, and committed to 3 months service... just to try it out.
I think my one saving grace that will keep me free of the perils that come with embracing the pure amount of raw time I could possibly sacrifice in the name of Hyborian domination is the fact that I can only play this game at work. My home computer is a Mac lap top and I'd like to think that if I tried to install the 40 GB game on the poor little guy, the screen would manifest into a giant boxing glove that would continuously punch me in the face until I cancelled the install. Buying a PC at home for this game is completely out of the question. Not only do I not want a big old PC in my tiny apartment, even if I got to that level of desperation I already know how quickly that conversation would be snuffed by Maria. The task before me now is balancing my work time with Conan, and making sure that "playing a little during lunch" doesn't snowball into a legitimate issue that will involve HR.

So there it is. It was nice knowing you all, and now you know why I no longer exist. If you need me for anything urgent, please contact the Stygian Tempest of Set traipsing across the Hyborian plains in search of Cimmerian allies and nubile blood with which to wet his cudgel... at least for the next 3 months...

Overdue update

It's been a good few months since I updated. Too much shit has befallen to write in the interest of accuracy, so in the interest of efficiency I'll gloss over some of the jibba jabba I wanted to write about but didn't.

After Microsoft dangled a carrot in front of my face, saying I could go back to work at Bungie as soon as my 100 day mandatory vacation was up, I was suddenly getting some "we're not sure" and "we'll have to see" and "go fuck yourself" type answers on a return date. Garbage. Not like they were going to hire me full time anyways, but promising a place after the break and then peeing in your mouth whenever you try to ask about details on said place... Not so shocking new levels of mouth peeing from Microshaft. For those who don't know, MS only allows contractors to work for them for 9-12 months before you're forced to take a 100 day break. It's so they don't have to burden you with things like benefits, a salary, and an overall sense of being appreciated by your employer.

I got a new job. A better job. A grown up job. By some fluke of fate I landed a Test Lead position at the upstart WB Games. WB stands for Warner Brothers, as in, fucking Warner Brothers. I'm a big kid now, with big kid pants at the big kid table. The job is great, so far I've attained three completely free, completely unwatchable DVDs of garbage movies I had no intention of watching as "perks", and am working on Project Origin, the sequel to F.E.A.R. The game is looking great, and is a sweet first project to sink my bitter teeth into at the new company. Here's the latest trailer.

Gary Gygax passed. QQ.

I went to Jon's (my DM) birthday party, where we rolled up characters and played a quick adventure in true, 12 year old, social reject, too old for ninja turtles, too young for beer, birthday party fashion. He invited Todd Gamble, his son's art teacher who also happens to be the guy who built all the professional terrain for D&D miniature advertisements, and also contributed a lot of art to the various TSR worlds. It was pretty cool meeting him. He was very humble, very excited that he had contributed to the D&D legacy, and ironically has never played the game. He sat with us and sketched out scenes as they were happening (fucking incredible!), and at one point even leaned over to the Forgotten Realms map we were using and said "This looks familiar... I think I drew this."

My Xbox broke. The video output shat as I was about to embark on a rampant evening of Halo 3 n00binating, leaving me at the mercy of the peanut gallery in my headset. It's been a long time in "the shop". It comes back on Monday. We will embrace, make love, and then resume our frolicking across the fields of Valhalla.

Maria and I went an saw Shutter. My one word review: Shitter.

I started playing Call of Cthulhu table top RPG with a group of friends. It's a pretty jarring change from the "kill orc/loot orc/level up" formula I've always known with AD&D. The game is much more mental, you have a lot more thinking to do, and I've found that there are a lot of points in the adventure where we all get silent, I go "uuuuuuuh" and then someone says "I don't know what to do." There's no leveling up, your awareness of Cthulhu lore is directly tied to your sanity, and there's no real objective other than "find Cthulhu and try not to blow your brains out".

Lastly, I'm getting a sweet tattoo right now featuring Neptune rising from the depths in order to smite some fools. Check it:

Pac Man Cake

My little sister, Ailsa, just sent me this photo of a birthday cake she made for some dude named Josh. I don't know this Josh character, but he scored a pretty fierce cake. I hope he appreciates how highly this rates on the awesometer.

AD&D Terrain

Ever since age 12 I've been a huge fan of and have played pen and paper role playing games. About a year or so ago my childhood friend, cohort of many teenage adventures, and easily the best DM I've ever played with got in touch and we started playing AD&D 2nd Edition in Forgotten Realms again for the first time in years.

I play an elf thief who has reached 7th level so far and has narrowly escaped death in just about every gaming session we've had. He's almost been annihilated by tribal Uthgart Barbarians, a 100' tall demon spider known as Bebelith (twice), hordes of Demon-Elf half breed warriors, a shifty backstabbing asshole thief named Tiger Bloodshanks, a Carrion Crawler (totally embarrasing), a Gnoll fighter/mage and his giant serpent familiar, and a necromancer that summoned more Wights than would ever be considered reasonable.

Aside from being a great DM, Jon (pictured below) is also an amazing terrain builder. Here are some pictures from some of our recent games.