Tuesday, June 06, 2006

6/6/06 - most boring apocalypse ever.

12 hours and counting... no nuclear attack, no zombie apocalypse, no plague, no locusts, no gaping pits in the earth sending us to a fiery death, so far the verdict on the day of reckoning as of lunch time is "lame".

it's the devil's day, and what i'd really like to be doing is waiting on top of the space needle with an 18 pack, a lawn chair, a handful of corndogs with virgin's blood dippin' sauce, and a boom box with "angel of death" playing on repeat so i have a front row seat to cheer on satan's army clawing their way through the earth (no doubt hitting the seattle underground tour first) and slaying the sinning masses as jesus descends from the heavens to save the righteous.

but no... i'm at work, just like everyone else. and we all know that nothing is gonna happen today. the most evil thing i could think of is i find out i'm scheduled at my night job and have to pull a double instead of going to my friend's evil birthday party in olympia, where (no joke) admission is charged with a bible to throw onto a bon fire and entertainment will be provided by a vampire black metal comedian.

but how lame is that? i am lucky enough to exist on a day that has been biblically predicted to send ignorant sinners like myself to our pennance in the bowels of hellfire. a day that happens once a millenium. i'm supposed to get my holy comeuppance, my ultimate divine spanking. all i'm getting is a sweet caffeine buzz from the pot of coffee i've been nursing all morning, same as every other day.

after scouring online news for anything to enhance my evil awareness for the day, all i could find was a disappointing mess of halloween style marketing ploys aimed at making money off of devil hype. i guess that's kind of evil, but not what i was really looking for. they do the same shit on valentines day. valentines day is named after a saint. saints are not evil, by definition. it's science. BBC news has an article about violent deaths in Baghdad topping 6,000 for this year, also evil, but it's nothing unexpected considering the state of affairs over there. why can't it be "6,000 violent deaths due to unholy sacrifice at the altar of pagan gods"?

one of today's greatest 'sins' might possibly be the remake of the omen hitting theatres. regardless of your opinion on the blitz-krieg suicide bomber style assault of hollywood remaking old movies, and whether or not it is necessary, i think we can all agree that the omen is hardly a likely candidate for the california boob job other than simply making money off the movie on 6/6/06. the original is about as flawless as a horror movie gets, has a creepy little kid that doesn't spoil it by being a little kid (see: Ring 2), solid acting throughout, and contains no real scene or effects that could be considered in need of a CGI make over. way to ruin another one of my favorite movies. hopefully people will realize that the only way to stop this shit from happening is to stop paying for it when it comes out.

and where are all the fanatics? how come there aren't any nuts sealing themselves up in churches, locking their virgin daughters up in their bedrooms, taking the day off to pray and wait for jesus on the beach? i heard about the one lady who wanted to delay her pregnancy because she's due to give birth today, but in all likelihood IF the "anti christ" was born today it would probably happen in some small mexican village instead of suburban white america. a comforting thought is "what if ALL the babies born today were the anti christ?" how would we pick which one to follow? do you think they'd start a club? would there be scuffles and debates over which anti christ was the real anti christ? i wonder what qualifications would be examined to determine who was more "anti" than the other anti christs. i'm guessing the ones born into republican families would have an advantage over the others.

i guess the answer to my throbbing "why does nobody care?" question is simple. nobody cares because... nobody cares. we all know it's a bunch of hooey. religious crazies take note: this is the same kind of hype you're gonna get when jesus comes back. someone will do a remake of the ten commandments starring jared leto as moses, creed will do a reunion tour with scott stapp and sell thong panties with halos on the crotch for $35 each, america will go on killing people in iraq, and stupid assholes will still end up paying $600 for a playstation 3.

so now lunch is over, and i return to my normal job, listening to my normal ipod (slayer, iron maiden, saviours, at the gates) in desperate hope either that something truly evil happens at some point, or else someone does something crazy trying to prepair for damnation.

************

2:18 pm - maria just notified me that this has been announced. the world may not be ending, but i am definitely going to kill myself.

6 comments:

Jinbon H Wrong aka Sloop John B said...

Oh yes, the apocalypse: I hear that the Bible was referring to Nero in the 666 passage of Revelations. You know that the years 666 and 1666 were also reckoned by the "enlightened" interpretors of their time as being the end of days. Wrong! Of course, our numbering of years is random in the scale of things, the Earth being itself 6 Billion or so years old. Maybe we should freak out when the Earth attains 6,666,666,666.66 years?

Yes, its a fitting end of the world if you think about it - bureaucracy humming along, producing nothing of any value.

Skroink beereeeoink! the sound of the apocalypse

angry jerk with computer said...

haha, sounds good! i'll start praying when we get to year 6,666,666,665.

brandon said...

Zombie is quoted as stating:

"But I think the [Halloween] story and the situation is scary. All it needed was someone to come in and to take a totally different approach to make it scary again. I was thinking of shaking the camera during action sequences and having Mikes walking speed up and slow down alot. A kicking modern heavy soundtrack might be nice. Oh, and Paris Hilton will HAVE to be in it."

Anonymous said...

Virgin's blood dippin' sauce? I think instead of all this complainin' you should have seized upon this magnificent marketing opportunity yourself. 'Tis foretold the Arockalypse will be occurring this Friday at the Funhouse.
-Boo

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