Thursday, June 01, 2006

X Men 3 hurt my soul...

ok you bastards. i have a bone to pick. i'm sending this out to the assholes. you know who you are. not the spouse beating, homophobic, racist, murdering, thieving, assholes... the REAL douche bags. yeah, that's right. YOU. you nu-star wars, x-men 3 loving PRICKS that ignore the simple reality that those movies suck so damn hard and sing their praise as if george lucas just double teamed the christ with brett ratner and shot their million dollar load into your face so that all you can see is the "money rapture" where shitty directors descend to earth and all our money is "saved" and taken to director heaven.

i will admit to being conned into the theatre, and paying full admission price hoping to glimpse a CGI visualization of my adolescent action fantasies. it's what i always wanted to see as a pimply, D&D obsessed (fucking obsessed), comic reading, sci-fi worshipping, gore loving, fantasy novel reading 12 year old. but at least i have the grapes to acknowledge that i got robbed. ROBBED of my teenage dreams. that damn Xmen 3 preview was so incredible... i admit to you shamelessly and with the same tinge of arrogant pride that i am able to recite a thief's base level 1 ability percentages from memory, that i was trembling like a goddamn flower at the site of angel, beast AND juggernaut doing their mutant thing in full, schlocky, hollywood action CGI glory.

alas... the film failed at all levels. turns out angel has two scenes and is a feathered metaphor for the gay son vs. homophobic dad struggle (not a bad thing, just laid on a bit thick when he has giant white angel wings). juggernaut's only purpose is to sucker comic fans into the theatre, gets kicked in the nards, and is responsible for the most embarrasingly bad line in recent film history (my face got hot). beast, sadly, is just kelsey grammar painted blue. individual character let downs aside, the plot had zero continuity with itself, the previous two movies, and the comic series, which is a most grevious fault seeing that the comics are brilliantly written and there is a veritable WEALTH of plot points one could extrapolate into any number of bombastic hollywood action movies. the lemon in my eye was the new mutants they invented to fill random character spots. i shoot porcupine quills out of my face! i can run fast, AND i can sense what other mutant powers are so the writers don't have to think too hard when trying to figure out how to have magneto know what he's doing through half the movie. i throw goat horns that grow out of my arms! i have tribal face tattoos! we live in tents in the woods because we're outcasts!

you people who go to these movies and then say that it's good. three thumbs up? top ten action movies ever? you SAW the movie. you KNOW it's bad. you are the same people who insist nu star wars is good... BECAUSE it's star wars. it doesn't matter that the writing is horrendous, that it's a complete departure from what made the series good in the first place, that it is cast by spit-balling at 8x10 glossies of underwear models. it IS therefore you LIKE. what was the last movie you saw? S.W.A.T.? you people infuriate me. you support this trash, which makes it consistent. i want you to know that YOU are killing my inner child. he is being squandered under the fist of the jock who watches american gladiators, scrambling to hide his dark-sun modules back into his back pack as he snivels his bloodied nose.

4 comments:

Blair said...

Welcome to the blogosphere!!!!

Brandon said...

yeth, I SAY YETH!

Jesse said...

16 Con and 15 Wis? What the hell are you? Too stupid to be a rogue/thief, too weak to be a fighting class, too slow to be a monk, too ugly to be a palladin or sorcerer...druids are just lame...Or maybe I'm just too used to 3E rules...I got into the game late...

angry jerk with computer said...

hey man! i play by the rules. 1 roll per stat, you keep what you get. old school!